u2october's Diaryland Diary


Just Me and My Pancreas

The early years of this diary consisted of a lot of existential questions about who I was, why I'm here, and a LOT of opining about how I didn't feel like I belong here(as in planet earth) and my daily wrestling with simply existing and trying to be cool and ironic, as one does in their early twenties.

Well, here I am, some twenty years later, still asking a lot of existential questions, still feeling like I don't belong and wrestling with my existence. I've given up on trying to be cool and have kind of turned into Harrison Ford's character on the show Shrinking.

I'm 43 years old. I have three awesome kids. I have a wife who does not want to be married to me anymore, but is stuck with me for the time being because the person she actually wants to be with doesn't plan to leave his wife. I have a smart, but mischievous two year old Siberian Husky who adores me. I do not have a partridge in a pear tree. I can't even stand the Partridge Family theme song.

I spent this entire past week in the hospital with acute pancreatitis. Jess only visited me with the boys once the entire time I was there. It was an incredibly lonely experience that taught me that she has completely checked out and pretty much doesn't really have any emotional attachment to me.

That hurts. Probably even more than her wanting a divorce.

If I didn't have kids I would probably move to the UK for a fresh start, but there's no way I could move that far away from my children. So here I am, likely more than halfway through my life, still feeling like a stranger in a strange land(given the name of my diary I am contractually obligated to make these sort of references from time to time) and still very much alone.

I do think I want to go ahead with building an intentional community. More on that later.

:end transmission:

02:33 - 07.02.23


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: