u2october's Diaryland Diary

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Just Tired and my Kidney

Depression is a motherfucker. Meds only do so much, and the fact that I’m feeling the way I’m feeling even with two antidepressants and adhd medication is pretty good evidence of that. I started doing this program for men whose wives are either leaving them, or have left. I’m non-binary, but there’s no program for us enby’s🤷🏻‍♂️
I’ve already gotten a lot out of it and it would likely help me a lot, but the truth is that I’m tired. Tired of trying, tired of struggling, tired of not being good enough, tired of building a life with someone over 15 years and watching them continue to live the life you built together, but swapping you out for someone else who actively drove that wedge between you.

Truth is, I probably wouldn’t be here if we didn’t have kids. And yes, I know I have them to live for, but telling someone that signals to them that their only worth is in their kids. I’m going to do my best to at least stick it out until they are out of high school.

Oh, and I have liver disease that gives me about 25 more years, and a tumor on my kidney. I may not make it to Hunter S. Thompson after all.

:end transmission:

01:02 - 09.03.23

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