u2october's Diaryland Diary


Trampolines and Gaslighting

Today was a fucking disaster.

I’ve been feeling a certain kind of way the last few weeks because Jess has been taking the boys over to Dan’s for sleepovers. Last week they did a sleepover on Friday, then went back for the Super Bowl. Last night, they did another sleepover at Dan’s, and I thought they were coming back home this morning.

Jess texts me around 12:45pm and asks us I want to drive an hour and 15 minutes to a trampoline park by Dan’s house. So apparently we’re just spending the weekend over there now.

I didn’t feel comfortable with that because of course Dan was going, and thought I made that pretty clear, but Jess said “Noah wanted to go for his birthday” which didn’t really give me a choice, so I went because I love my kids more than anything.

I show up and spend time with the boys, but for obvious reasons, I don’t want to spend time with the guy who purposely broke up my marriage, and continues to drive that wedge on a daily basis.

Jess keeps coming over and asking me what’s bothering me. I tell her nothing, I’m just trying to spend time with the boys. She keeps pestering me until I finally tell her that I feel like I’m being replaced in real time, and that the last few weeks they’ve been spending more time over there with Dan like they’re a new family unit while I watch my family literally replacing me as I watch.

Jess’ response is to ask me 5 minutes later if we can all eat dinner together. With Dan.

Again, I oblige because I love my kids. We get to the restaurant, and Jess, Dan, and his son and our youngest are already seated. They have it set up where Jess and Dan are in the main part of the booth with the kids and I’m at the very end. I didn’t feel like eating and was so hurt that I didn’t talk much, which apparently made Jess pretty upset.

As we’re leaving, she has me take the boys and tells me she’s staying at Dan's again because she’s “not doing this.” She asked me what my problem is, and she doesn’t know what I want from her. I replied, “I don’t want to feel like an outsider as your eating dinner with your new family unit.”

That went over like a lead balloon.

I drove home with the boys, watch a Star Wars movie with them, played charades, then put them to bed. I’m not sure what will happen when Jess finally comes home from her weekend at Dan’s.

I asked her to consider how she would feel if I had been dating someone for a few years, and that person had been pushing me to leave her for a while, then I finally decided to divorce her. Then, I started taking our kids over to their house every other weekend without me and then when I said I was hurt by it asked her to come to dinner with us.

She responded that I was just upset that she was enjoying the day and I wasn’t. I know Dan’s fingerprints when I see them. I feel like I am continuously being gaslighted, and being told that I am overreacting by not being particularly fond of the guy who purposely broke up my marriage and is basically acting like I’m no longer in the picture.

I’m not sure what will happen when Jess finally comes home from her weekend at Dan’s.

I don’t want to be here anymore. Anywhere.

:end transmission:

00:25 - 02.19.23


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