u2october's Diaryland Diary


Rough Seas

It seems as though I am on a precipice. Of what? I’m not entirely sure. Finding yourself in a situation where the life you’ve built over the last decade and a half appears to be disappearing like sand with the tide is like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

I suppose that’s not an entirely accurate analogy. It’s more like being slowly inched off of the beach blanket as someone else inches in on the other side.

Tonight was tough. Tough on many different levels. It appears that one of our cats will not survive the night. We always assumed he had FLV, but the unexpected nature of the passing is always hard on kids.

Jess and I separated a few days ago. I’m pretty sure she wants a divorce but doesn’t know how to do it. She’s made it clear she thinks I would harm myself. She says she doesn’t know what she wants, but it’s pretty clear that if Dan left Courtney, Jess would already left some time ago.

Tonight, jess invited Dan to stay over. She asked me if I was ok with it, which essentially put me in a position where saying no made me look like an asshole. Separating from someone and then bringing your other partner for a sleepover 2 days later is rough. I’m feeling(and hearing) it, and it sucks. A lot.

I’m still not sure how this will play out. The kids definitely see it. Luka told me that “mom loves Dan more than us” because “she always goes and buys new things for the house and makes us clean when he comes, and she lets his son do whatever he wants because she loves Dan.”

Of course I told him that wasn’t true, but in reality it rings true to me. I’m not sure what will happen. I very much want to be together, but it has to be reciprocated, and I don’t know if that’s what she wants.

We’ll see.

:end transmission:

23:35 - 09.08.22


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