u2october's Diaryland Diary


HST Mile Markers and 24 hour increments

I am currently sitting in my living room brainstorming a list of things I want to put into a union training as cello music plays in the background. My entire body aches from loading and unloading a 20 foot truck filled with the rest of our belongings from our prior residence.

It was actually a very depressing experience, not because of leaving the old place, but because it was the first time I actually felt...old. I know that sounds ridiculous, as I am only 42(holy shit, I've been on diaryland for 22 years) but I felt invincible for the longest, and coming to terms with my aging, especially the last few years since the shoulder surgeries, has been very rough. It has been a reminder of my mortality, one that frankly I don't need. I almost decided to go ahead with my long term plan last week.

But I didn't. I don't have a reason why I ultimately didn't, I just didn't. Maybe it was the lack of life insurance, maybe it was lack of mobility, and not wanting to end my life where the kids and Jess would be reminded of it every day. In the end, I just didn't go through with it. I suppose I should be proud of still being here to type this entry, but that's not how these things work. You just drag on to the next day and see if you make it.

So here I am, trying to make it another 24 hour increment. And then another. And another. Until I reach what I'm going to call the HST mile marker. We'll see how far we get.

:end transmission:

10:16 - 03.21.22


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